Raising Your Spirited Child

This book has been SO WONDERFUL!!!!!!! I have the second edition from a year ago and it has tons of markings in it. So far, I haven't compared the two editions to see how different they are. I'm so grateful for the tools and mindset that this book gave me. I felt punished every day for over a year. "Why did I have to get this child? I don't want this one. Take him back, please!" I also had terrible postpartum depression at the time, which made everything worse than it already was, plus my son had one of the five worst cases of colic I've ever heard of, and I've heard a LOT of stories of people trying to sympathize but being unable to even imagine the hell we went through in our son's first year. (By the way, we feel like our son's nature contributed to the colic and other first-year problems, which is part of why the book has been able to help. He was persistent and knew exactly what he wanted, but he couldn't express it. His body is irregular but needed some degree of regularity imposed so he would sleep at all. He is very sensitive to how much sleep he gets. He is energetic and intense and could scream for three hours straight without falling asleep. He didn't know how to cope with big emotions in a little body, so he screamed more. But now he is two years old and really a joy.) Now, we have a wonderful, curious, passionate, loving, interesting, smart, adorable little two-year-old. The most helpful things were these: 1) The book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child saved our lives first. It got our son sleeping AT ALL and then sleeping on a predictable schedule, which we all desperately needed. After he was rested, we could finally start working on other things. 2) Sign language. We started signing before he was even 8 months old, and it helped immensely. Our son is very spirited and knows EXACTLY what he wants. It was absolutely crucial that we were able to communicate with him to figure out what he wanted. 3) This book. A) As I was pulling out of my postpartum depression, it was crucial that I reframe my thinking about my son. I loved the early chapter on using positive labels for our kids - determined instead of inflexible, curious rather than dragging his feet, spirited instead of hellish (yes, I did say that one), energetic instead of drives me crazy, and so forth. B) The chapter on tantrums has helped immensely. He just turned two, which is when many people see tantrums. Not with a spirited child! Anyone with a spirited child knows that the "tantrums" -- the incessant screaming for three hours, the strength of a four year old when your infant hits you in anger -- start at birth. For months, several times a day, I have been using the author's suggestions for tantrums. Not only are her specific strategies helpful (hold him, talk him through it, name the emotions for him, tell him he doesn't have to deal with the emotions on his own) but also the mindset she describes. I don't know how many times I've told myself lines from the book: --"He will be a WONDERFUL adult. This trait is difficult to parent, but it will make a wonderful adult and friend later." --"This isn't a personal attack. He is overwhelmed with his intense emotions and needs me to teach him how to cope. He's not trying to punish me." --"My child is in a spillover tantrum. I don't need to go there, too." --"Stop and think, listen, talk to him. What part of his nature has just been threatened?" C) Feeling less alone was wonderful. I hate it when the old ladies nod their heads and are like, "Yes, kids are difficult," and smile. My grandmas said that until they were around my son for more than two hours straight. Then they said, "Oh my goodness, does he EVER stop moving? No wonder you have him in daycare! You would physically break down and have no energy left if you tried to follow him everywhere." I love reading this book and being like, "No, my kid isn't a freak. He's just more spirited and energetic than most people can imagine, so when they say those trite, idiotic phrases, I can just let it go. They are talking about a different kind of child. My child is like five of their children. I can let it go." All in all, I am SO GRATEFUL that the author wrote this book. It has really saved us. And now, as he is turning two years old, he is better than ever. I promise, it's possible! I LOVE my passionate, intense, loving, curious little guy! He reminds me of myself and his dad (we were both spirited children). Our beginning was absolute hell, but with good tools, including this book, he has gotten better and better. On good days, I can't imagine a more perfect, wonderful child. Mary is right - we ARE the lucky ones! I can't imagine having a dull, uninterested, passive child. Of course, on bad days, I want to drive to my parents' house and leave him there for a week. But we have tools now to work through it, and we're doing alright. Life is so much better now. (p.s. do not feel guilty if you need to put your energetic, social child into daycare. I remind myself, "I take care of myself and do what I need while he's at daycare so that when he gets home, I can be the mom I want to be. Because he is in daycare and I am able to do my self-care, our interactions are positive mostly. If I were watching him at home all day, we would never have a single positive interaction in a day. Daycare supports his curious, energetic, social, sensitive nature.)

I wish I had found this book sooner. My son, who is 3.5 and used to be so sweet and wonderful suddenly began throwing tantrums that I just couldn't believe. He had many changes happen over a short period of time. We moved, bought a house, moved again, he became a big brother to twin sisters and our dog passed away in less than a year. My son is definitely a sensitive child, I probably wouldn't have called him spirited but after reading this book that is exactly what he is. I like that the beginning of the book goes through ways of changing the labels we put on children to make them positive attributes rather than negative. I also like the methods of tantrum management and supporting a child through the tough times. Things didn't change over night but they are improving after just a short time. Hopefully we will continue on this track and my dear sweet sensitive son will be back. Don't get me wrong, I love his spunky attitude but I am looking forward to the day that he doesn't fight me on every single thing.

I have read a whole lot of parenting books, and gather little tidbits of info from most of them. In most cases, I find that I use the techniques while I am reading the book, they work okay without making a huge difference, and then they fade out of use once I finish the book. This book is far more helpful - I don't let the techniques I have learned fade away, because they just work so darn well. One that has worked particularly well for my very persistent 2-year-old daughter is giving her a choice even when I clearly know what I want - for instance, 'You have a choice. You can either get in your car seat by yourself, or I can help you. If you aren't in your carseat by the count of 3, then I will know you are choosing to have me put you in.' This is a lot to say, and I found myself stumbling over my words a LOT at first, but I kept at it because it really worked for her. It gives her the sense of making an independent decision, while also helping me get what I need from her most of the time. I also love the focus on changing the labels we use for our spirited children to positive ones - I initially saw that as just 'fluff', but when I started actively trying to use positive labels instead of negative ones, I noticed distinct differences in both my behavior and my daughter's behavior. I don't think there is any other parenting book that has made as huge a difference in the peacefulness of our house than this one. That being said, not all of the techniques in the book have worked wonders for us. You just have to see which ones make sense for your child. For instance, my son isn't really responding to us giving him a choice yet. But, he is also not very 'spirited', so that's okay! Highly, highly recommended! If I had to recommend one book to parents, this would be it.

Use the book like a buffet: take what you like and leave behind the rest. Read the entire book before making your final assessment! The introductory chapter made it seem like the book was a veiled how-to guide for truly clinically neurodevelopmentally disordered children, but hang in there the book lightens up considerably after that. Each chapter focuses on a general topic such as difficulties at mealtime, difficulties with clothing, importance of routines etc. and offers highly relatable scenarios, followed up with parenting strategies for each topic. A lot of the strategies incorporate changing the parent's perspective on understanding the root of spirited behaviors and PROACTIVELY working with the child rather than reacting to undesirable behaviors. The author's writing style of depicting group counseling sessions for parents made the read feel very welcoming. 4 stars because I used the audiobook version that did not lend itself well to checklists and other paper materials. I look forward to a re-read likely of a physical copy to cement all the lessons learned.

This book is what all parenting books aspire to be. Full of deep insights about children's - and parents' - temperaments, thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, AND full of concrete, helpful suggestions for dealing with challenging situations. I couldn't ask for more. My way of thinking about my spirited son changed immediately. I lost my fear that he will grow up to be a crazed menace, and saw him for what he is - a kid with a huge, intense personality, and all the good and bad that comes with that. A lot like his mom and dad, to be honest. My son just turned two and is a late talker, so I haven't been able to implement a lot of this book's concrete suggestions (because they require some back-and-forth between parent and child), but my husband and I have gotten much better at setting our son up for success, intervening before things get truly out of hand, and picking the right times for "lessons" (like NOT when he's flipping out). I'd recommend this book to any parent whether your child is "spirited" (challenging, difficult, willful, intense) or not. The parenting approach is compassionate and connected, but also realistic and fully cognizant of how stressful and wearying parenting can be.

This book is incredible! I thought I was the only parent who had a “spirited” child. I didn’t know how to deal with her or what to do in situations and this really hit the nail on the head. Highly recommend to any parent struggling with a toddler who doesn’t listen.

I have 2 beautiful, spirited Irish twin boys (ages 5 & 6) that are at constant odds and competition with each other. When one is high the other is low and vis versa. Not only that but they both carry extrovert personalities where I am an introvert. My communication as a single mom was severely broken and I was loosing confidence that I could handle them. Not only that but with 50/50 custody it was difficult to establish routine bc no sooner would it be established then they would return to their dad. Despair sent me to my counselor who recommended this and another book to me for some light reading. Light bulb. I discovered there are more of you out there with beautiful, vibrant, spirited children. The very first chapter helped me develope a different mindset towards their spirit. I had no idea how my own theought contributed so significantly to my tone and response to my boys. First week was tough——they still had meltdowns. Week 2 fewer meltdowns——-week 3 even fewer. After reading further I began using my own humor to lighten up the room when the “yellow” threat zone was beginning. I stopped a meltdown one night at the dinner table by being absolutely silly—-immediately breaking tension and filling the room with laughter. Please read this book. You are not alone. If you are even considering reading something to be a better parent that displays leaps and bounds of at you want for your children. Do it. Read it. So worth it and I’m only on chapter 8.

If you have a four year old who you are about to give up on, do yourself and your family a huge favor and read this book. I have read more than a dozen books trying to figure out how to help my daughter, and how to stop the rage I was feeling about her reactions every day. I have talked to a therapist about it, and was at my wits end. This book is FULL of real world ideas and suggestions that have made a huge difference for us. I seriously can’t say enough good things about it. It’s a total game changer. And join the FB group too. I finally feel heard and understood when it comes to my parenting challenges. I am beyond grateful!